HAPPY NEW YEAR my dear, sweet Puddins! I hope that the holidays have found you in great spirits and covered with peace, love, comfort, and truth. I have been in a strange place in my heart and mind. Although, things have not been the best financially, I have been able to maintain a mental peace. I've been able to be ok in life, even in the moments when I'm not ok, I'm still ok!
I have experienced lots of newness last year. Lots of firsts, if you will. I moved into a new studio, I started a new job, and on the downside I lost a few friendships. Albeit, in July I met a young man - and by young I do mean YOUNG, 24 to be exact (I'm 37) - who had been following me on social media for almost a year. He had been in comments flirting and I finally called his bluff - or at least, what he called, his shot lol. We exchanged numbers and began a series of conversations that soon had me smitten. He presented a person who was well-mannered, cultured, hard working, protective, providing, and through a hard exterior was able to demonstrate a vulnerability that enthralled me. For three months he and I ventured into a series of quality conversations that fell on my heart in heavy and multiplying ways. He began to break down my defenses, my reserves, and eventually I chose to make a place for him in my heart.
I shared with him some of my darkest life moments. Things that only a handful of people knew. I encouraged healthy change for both him and myself. I supported safe space for him to take off his capes. To know that, with me, he didn't need to be Superman. He just needed to be a man who was honest and integral, worthy enough to give love and receive love in return. I even accepted him as a soft and safe space to land for myself, just as I had orchestrated myself to be for him. He presented a man that I found myself planning futures with. It was evident and understood that I loved him on purpose. I loved him wholly and fully and was ready to see what future happiness would hold for the both of us.
Then it happened. My fears of what would occur, if I opened up my heart to another man, came to pass. A mutual acquaintance and I were talking and to my surprise, they divulged that the man I had been dating for three months had also been talking to them for a whole two weeks. The screen-share showed many of the text conversations mimicked the very ones I had with this man. Pictures, plans, secrets...I was devastated! I had given a chance to someone new, someone that I had many reservations about for all the smart reasons. Yet, I said yes to giving him a chance and here I was having the "Hello, Barbara...this is Shirley" conversation. And I was being treated like Barbara when I was the Shirley! Where does that occur?!
Needless to say, I confronted my man about it and in a quick and swift decision I ended it. I was hurt. I was embarrassed that someone was telling ME that MY man was their man and didn't even know that he and I had been talking for the last three months (allegedly)! He had betrayed me, I was lied to and deceived. It is true, we had not officially named it a relationship, but I thought we were clear on the boundaries that we both agreed to in an exclusive dating situation. I thought we were on the same page for what we wanted and how we wanted it.
The next few days were like a silent war. My side - with over 450k people watching me - and his side, mostly filled with close friends and those who secretly wanted him for themselves. Tears were shed, TikTok Lives and posts were made, and he and I found ourselves in the middle of a mini TikTok scandal. Low and behold after all of the hoopla, a mutual friend of ours orchestrated a coversation between the two of us. We talked, we got clarity, and eventually we made one last agreement: Work on mending the friendship first, then and ONLY then can we look to see if it is possible for us to give dating another try.
Well Puddins', it's been a LOT of work on both our parts. There were realizations that I had with myself, triggers and trauma's that I thought I healed that sprang forth in the work concluding that conversation. I realized, in almost every relationship I ever had, in all the dating I had done, I was usually the one to end things. I realized that I had never (for the sake of relationship) spun the block, as the kids say today. I had to acknowledge that regardless of what happened, I didn't have the same finite feeling I had with the previous men in my life. Things felt interrupted versus feeling over. Albeit, I also had to acknowledge one important factor. This man had reminded me that love was possible. Possiblle for me to receive, possible for me to give, and possible to flourish in for however long I had it. And because of that, he was worth a second chance to do it different. I was worth another chance to do it different.
I still love him, and even though people want to villainize him, the breakdown in communication is on the both of us. That doesn't mean I take responsibility for his actions and decisions to talk to someone behind my back, but for ignoring signs that could have lead to a clarity conversation and possibly prevented the course of action he chose to take. I had to also take responsibility for not honoring my intuition. That was something that contributed to that breakdown as well. I was happy so I assumed he was happy - a very common occurrence that leaves most of us blind and in shock when bad decisions from our partners are made.
SO! What happens now? Well, I'm walking into 2023 more aware, doing my work and giving second chances to those I believe deserve a second chance. I'm trusting this man to do his work as well. To show up as a whole person. An integral person. Willing and ready to do what's needed to make a second chance work in its fullness.
We had a little insider between us during our first courtship. We told each other that even though we know we're both worth emeralds to one another, that with love and work, we can absolutely make it on green glass. Shout out to those who know this Thoroughly Modern Millie movie reference! Well, that green glass shattered when he chose to do what he did. However, after many conversations and committing to doing the work, I look forward to mending that green glass! So, here's to doing it different....and here's to 2023!!!
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