Hey Puddins! I hope that you are reading this filled with love and positivity and if you're not, I pray that by the end of this post you feel - at very least - a little bit better. As we speak I'm preparing for something that has my heart in complete knots. As you may know (and if you don't CLICK HERE!), my love interest and I decided to give this dating thing another go. Well, he's supposed to be here this weekend and we're supposed to have some very serious conversations as to where we want to take this dating journey. As it gets closer to when he lands, I can't help but think that had the whole breakdown that happened in November 2022 not happened, we would have been approaching our six-month mark. Albeit, that would have been for an uninterrupted courting period. Yet, we did have the breakdown and although we're approaching this six-month milestone, there's much to consider.
Love is something that can't always be quantified or explained. It's a feeling that has to be felt. I know that in my heart I love him without question, but I'm human and I still have my fears. I still have my doubts. Logically, my mind remembers all the triggers and all of the traumas that were caressed when our breakdown happened. The questions of:
"Will he do that again?"
"Is he telling the truth?"
"Is he hiding something else from me?"
All of this swirls in my mind at some point. At points when my own insecurities flare up, I think if I'm enough for him. When I call and he doesn't answer the phone, my mind - just for an instant - questions if he's with someone else. When the phone call drops and I ponder if it was bad cell reception or did he just hang up because his other lover walked in. That's the problem with trauma's. They tend to follow you. Even with all the healing and growth work one can do, sometimes those triggers are still present. Yet and still, I stand on something I say often: You can't feel thought and you can't think feelings. You have to simply make an informed decision that (hopefully) your mind and heart can agree on in the moment.
As I prepare myself to see this man in physical space for the first time, to smell his fragrance, to feel his touch, to feel his breath on my neck when I hug him, I'm making an informed decision. My heart has decided to love him beyond his mistake. To continue to love him on purpose and to continue to be a soft and safe space for him to land; doing it differently than before but with the same intention of building, growing, and evolving a thriving life together.
My mind has decided to remind those voices that ask those questions: He's human! He's not perfect and because I have chosen to give another opportunity for us both, we must set healthy boundaries and allow room to address whatever fears come up...for either of us. I don't just forget what he's done, but it gives us both a foundational base of what to be mindful of if either of us start to slip into old, unhealthy behaviors. I won't keep him hostage to a moment and hopefully I won't have to discover that his moment was actually part of a pathology.
Many times we tell people to "do the work" but what is that? What does that work look like in application? Well, depending on the situation, the work and the tools to do it often times can look very different. While in other situations the same tools and work are applicable. For me, I think that work means, do or don't - no grey. Either I am going to trust him or I'm not and in the moments when my trust waivers, I'll offer him the opportunity to talk about it honestly and openly with me. In return, when his trust in me falters, he is able to do the same. We'll talk about what we feel, how we got there, and what we are willing and ready to do to resolve the issues and move forward. And - as a last resort - consider whether moving forward is even possible. Communication. That's the key! Healthy and Effective Communication is always the first and most formidable tool in any person's toolbox that is looking to grow and evolve into a better version of themselves.
In any case, in this moment of right now, as I write this post to you all, I'm excited. Fears and all, doubts and all, I'm excited. I'm excited to see him. I'm excited to experience him in the fullness of who we both are in the same space. I look forward to falling asleep as I lay on his chest. I look forward to massaging his scalp. I'm ready to feel his arms wrapped around me as we lay in bed together. I'm hopeful that when we come out of this weekend, we will both be on the same page. That we are loving, honest, healthy, and moving foward as a couple. Here's to being in his arms...for the very first time!
A beautiful…… vulnerable piece sister. It’s good to know we had the same concerns but you’re not gonna let them hinder you! Mercury Out! 💙