It's not news to most that image consultant and self proclaimed relationship guru, Kevin Samuels, has passed away at the age of 57. However, much of the online gender wars come on the heels of his supporters attempting to create an afterlife narrative that many of the Black women who experienced Samuels just can not stand behind. Much of the information regarding his death seems to be mostly speculation, however, the following was posted to twitter:
Samuels shot to infamous stardom when he began sharing is thoughts on the relationship dynamic between cisgender Black men and women. His views on what an "average" man was and how such a man needed to stay within the realm of average - if looking to date - was rhetoric that many men found honest and helpful. It was a sentiment that many thought men needed to hear in an effort to upgrade themselves to their better versions. Albeit, it was the advice that Samuels had for Black women that quickly deemed him the king of toxic masculinity.
In one of his most viral videos, Samuels stated that a women over the age of 35 - especially with any children - were considered "Leftover women". He went on to say that if a man sees a women over 35 with kids, who is also single, that man can conclude that there is something wrong with her. The nail was driven further into the coffin when Samuels eluded to the fact that a parent should question their children when a child confesses they've been molested. His reasoning for this tactic was simply that,
"Children lie..."
Now, I encourage all people to do their own research and watch any - if not all - of this man's content to gather your own perspective. However, being that I'm not going to subject my readers to a three hour video, here's a compilation of some of the statements made by Samuels that has sparked so much controversy over the years.
One of the things I have seen on Cicely Tyson's internet is the asking/begging/pleading/berating of Black women who are sharing their negative experience of Samuels to simply not do so. CHYLE!!!! Look here, Black women have had to experience - whether directly or indirectly - Kevin Samuels' abusive approach of putting Black women "in their place" under the guise of what he deemed truth and healing. One thing I have learned is that we can't speak to everyone about everything. As men, the misogynoir that often occurs when a Black man tries to tell a Black woman how to be/act/function is often missed. Without having the experience of walking in the shoes of a Black woman, men can't TELL her who she needs to be!
All you end up doing is telling her who she needs to be FOR YOU - a man! It's the self serving advice of how Black woman should continue to conform to the needs and desires of the Black male ego - often shaped by the envy of the power that the white male ego has gained - while leaving her desolate, unevolved, undiscovered in herself, and most times extremely unfulfilled. While so many Black men flock to the defense of this man who have left so many Black women in emotional, psychological, and spiritual trauma, it is not shocking to me why so many Black women feel unprotected by the men they so desperately want to love.
Just as men have the freedom to express (what they deem as) their positive experience of this man, it is unfair and inequitable to not allow Black women the same freedom regarding their experience. I have heard that many women don't like Samuel's because he spoke a hard truth. That he was holding women accountable to their participation in the breakdown of Black love and relationship. Well, I'm glad to inform those who use these excuses, you can't hold anybody accountable if behind closed doors you're not following your own advice! You also can't hold someone accountable to a standard that you have never had to live or experience.
Often times the biggest mistake is that Black men think they are the iron to sharpen women. While Black women think they are the iron that sharpens Black men...this is such a fallacy that keeps both sides at eternal odds with one another. Iron must sharpen Iron!!! Not copper or steel. You must be of the same experience and journey in order to truly hold one accountable in the lane that you're speaking about. That's not to say there aren't nuances and situations that overlap where we can hold someone accountable as a person or human being, but when it comes to our ideas of gender roles/responsibility in society, we must navigate those waters wisely.
Kevin Samuels - for many - represented divisiveness, psychological and emotional abuse, degradation, and a devaluing of Black womanhood in all it's iterations. As men can so freely uplift Samuels for whatever they feel he has done for them, women can also freely express their experience for how Samuel's made them feel. In that vein - Leave Black women the fuck alone about how they experienced this tool of man!
Sources:
BuzzFeed News: Controversial YouTuber Kevin Samuels, Who Popularized The Term “High-Value Man,” Has Died
Cover photo courtesy of Budget Gaming Chair - Fair Use
Inlay photo courtesy of Philip Lewis' Twitter Page Inlay video courtesy of Trends Gladiator's YouTube Page
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